Nervous

I met her today.

The day started slow, I overslept cause I couldnt sleep that night. Then, I occupied myself with work… Took the tram around 2 pm, my heart beating super fast.

She was as nervous as I was… And Im not really the nervous kind of person. When the tram arrived, Id problems breathing.

Then I saw her and had to smile. She was red like a tomato, running circles. I hugged her, and held her for a moment.

We went to have that promised ice cream, and decided to go to a sea after that. The clouds were dark and looked dangerous, but it turned into a sunny afternoon, on a nice bench at a sea, in the sun.

After we both stopped being nervous and finally relaxed, it was great. I admit, its not like the was this strong connection I felt with the last girl, but they are very different characters. Thankfully.

She is very… how to say? Grown up? She has a kid, an education running, and from what I know a lot of struggling from her past. And well, no experience with girls. None.

I asked her last night to define no experience. Well, as in none. My head flashed red lights. I asked her if shes sure she likes girls. She is. It made my heart be careful. Not that I dont trust her, but if she tries out and doesnt like, its my bad.

Anyway. She has a beautiful stitched tattoo, and a cute smile. And yes, beside the damn nervous rushing heart, there are butterflies, dancing.

But it is her call now, shes deciding what will happen next. I invited her to visit. My head is making a million plans. My little sis already did, too.

Slow, slow. Its new to her, which is also new to me. Usually Im the one with less experience. And now Im on the train home. My heart is still beating fast.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day.
We will meet at 3.30pm, her train station.

Currently Im relaxed, not nervous. Currently not even hyper excited.
Yea ask me again tomorrow. I know.

I keep wondering if she is real or this is just… a quick fire. I dont know.
And I dont know what I want… Beside seeing her tomorrow.

So Im listening to music, didnt eat. Okay maybe Im not that super cool.
Shes a nice girl. I dont know much of the background nor the story…
All I know is that theres a son. Hes living with her, and… Wild guess,
She was together with a guy. She said a year ago, she felt her feelings
For women awake. She must have fallen for somebody, but it ended
Not well. Thats as much as I can tell from what she let me know.

We will see. There arent many options. We either like each other or
Not, as Ill only see her for 1-2h…

I hope she likes me.

Who I am

Im just a girl.

Ive had some rough last years, after a youth that made me be very careful, lonesome. My gran used to call me icy queen. Feelings werent on my family’s to do list.

But I made it here, where I am.
I am how I am because things happened.

My friends asked me once if Im gay or straight.
I started seeing girls three years ago. Before that, its been men. My first love was a good guy, we were together for 7 years.

When people ask me if I love men or women My first thought always is… Does that matter? Maybe I just dont fit in a box here. Can I call myself a lesbian, if I lived with a guy? And over all, why does it even matter?

To me, the important part is falling for someone, having someone loving you back. Real love is rare in my world. Because it is rare everywhere plus Im super careful. I protect my life a lot, dont talk much. Ive always been more of a writer.

Call me whatever you want.
Im just a girl. A dreamer and a realist, a hippie.

I loved men. I loved women.

After the last years, where I was so numb I felt more or less nothing, there are butterflies. They surprise me, the irritate me and hell, I dont need them right now. But they are there, and that might be a good thing.

Because it makes me smile.

First date

So, she backed out.
A day after… That disaster night. I felt she would, though my friends said everything seems to be great so far… I knew shed back out.

We met, ate, and then she told me she doesnt have a crush. Well, not true I think but Im not investing there any more. I like her, but this was just a week. I was sorry, and disappointed. But if she is serious, Id better know early.

Its kinda fine. I talked to her a day later cause Id the feeling I needed to say Im not that kind of girl. I dont want to be tested. She said she needs closeness, kissing and touching to fall in love. Ya, sorry but I was done right there. Killed everything interesting.

I dont want games any more. I dont want to be the affair, back up person, lie. Im worth more.

Im fine being alone. Im good alone.
But having a crush here showed me something.

Im through with my sorrow. I can laugh, and I might be ready to be with somebody.

Its such a weird thought…

So.

Friday, 5 days after she “ended it”, I got a message from somebody else. Yeha, my head is ringing too. -.- What the fuck. Anyway. Shes my age, we talked for a while, them contact ended. We never met. Friday, we texted.

Ive been with friends and its been super boring and annoying just to sit and wait, and she texted with me all the time. Saturday, I helped a friend with moving and had work later. We texted through that, too, and when she went to a party that night, we wrote. We were glued to the cells Sunday, too.

Its nice, sweet and somewhat flirty.
Shes my age, has a kid. Her coming out was like last year.

I have no idea what this is. My head keeps saying shes nice, but this is just a quick fire. My heart is entertained and feels compfy. I dont know.

But I asked her if we want to have ice cream together, and well, now its a date. I asked her today what shes doing Wednesday afternoon. Shes free, so Ill be going there.

I know. Internet is creating illusions. Actually I met my first bf online, its almost 16 years ago now… We came together after knowing each other for a pretty while. Anyway, that ended how it did… He was my first real love. I wasnt his. Took him 7 years to figure out…

So… Im seeing this nice girl, to whom I enjoy talking. There even might be butterflies.
Me, who never really fell in love… Yea. I dont know how this will be.

But writing with her like three days nonstop made me want to see her, see if there is something… I asked her, she said yes instantly and told me she was going to ask me for Saturday.

ESC and other disasters

Last night, I met her friends.

I was nervous as hell when I rang the doorbell. She was talking to another friend, so I waited. When he was gone, she hugged me. She introduced me, and it was a bit weird. I stood around a bit lost, until she told me to sit.

Same procedure as before. The second we are close our bodies touch. We shared drinks and watched the show.

She took me on the balcony for a smoke, and kissed me. I was already relaxed then. And enjoyed the party. It was really nice and funny, with smoke breaks and kisses. The friends sat on the bed and we on the floor. At some point, she kissed me right there. In front of her friends. And my head whispered “mine” to my heart.

We held hands, we kissed, we had fun. She told me she was nervous I wouldnt like it. Actually, her friends were cool. No job questions, no how did you met blah. They were funny.

After the ESC show, we played rockband. At that point, lets say we all were tipsy. The others left, and I told her to kick me out if shes ready to sleep. But she and the friend she had staying over dragged me for a last beer, and we ended up sitting there till 5am…

She was sleepy. I was almost sleeping with my head on the table. She offered me to stay. Surprised me. But I was way too tired to think or react. She led me to the bathroom, borrowed me a toothbrush and gave me a shirt.

Yea.

Her friend on the couch was sound asleep as soon as she laid down, and I was almost out too. Until she pulled me close. Kissed me. Held me.

After a while, her hands started traveling.

I guess you can imagine where this went. Stupid stupid me. Her. Us. Whatever. Anyway, for sure her friend woke up. Im deeply ashamed. I told her Ill better leave so she can talk to her friend. She was so sorry. So was I.

She kissed me goodbye, and when I arrived at home, I found a text saying her friend is annoyed but over all okay. That she can smell me on her skin.

Thats the last I heard. She didnt answer to my text yet.

I need to talk to her. Making out like this wasnt planned and it was way too early. And geez, what kind of idiot am I, drinking too much and ending up like this. With her friend in the same room. That was really stupid.

Beside, I hadnt even thought about sleeping with her yet. I fell asleep with the thought I hope shes still talking to me today.

Ive problems sorting my head, calming it down. I need to talk to her, but Ill wait for her to call as I already texted her… Until that, my head is a mess.

I wasnt looking for a girlfriend. I wasnt looking for a sexual relationship. But we met, and now theres the wish to be with her. To see her. To talk. Not to talk everything through, but today, my head would need contact. Even if its just for a coffee.

*sigh*
Im stupid sometimes.

Her Friends…

I spent the last days with my wonderful best friend. We had a blast. ❤

Tonight Im invited to watch Eurovision Song Contest. With "my girl" and her friends. As she said, its not like she will be introducing me but wants me there.

Im nervous.

Not only because I see her friends or have a problem with fitting into new groups. Nah, Im nervous cause how the hell do I behave?

Im the girl she saw three times, the girl she kissed on the first date after a few hours. The girl whos terribly falling for her.

I think shes feeling the same.

Somebody asked me why Im writing this.
Because it is in my head. Because I need to keep my hands busy to distract my head. Because there are so many things I cant tell her yet, because I need to have the availability to say Im happy, Im nervous, Im confused. Because there are dark spots from my past plopping up, crossing this life. Because I love to write.

Im happy and relaxed. I like this girl. I love her smile.

So, her friends.
Today, she will meet the hippie girl I am. Well, not 100%, but were slowly going there. Im dressed black today, but pretty and yet hippie elegant. Luckily, she is a costume maker, and doesnt care for my clothes. Its so relaxing not to be judged by that… Plus shes kinda a bit hippie herself.

Anyway. Her friends tonight.

Quiet

Yesterday hasnt been good. One of those days that start wrong and end difficult.

Beside whatever this thing with her n me is… My personal life is pretty upside down, between broke and catastrophe. Anyway. As I didnt hear from her all day, I decided to do two jobs which were planned for Saturday. It was supposed to be a quick thing which turned into endless.

On my way home I texted her FB decided not to send my message all morning, so… Hi. She wrote back, she was about to take a nap. Then, more work. I wrote her goodnight, and found her goodnight this morning.

It is … A bit weird to have that … Just contact like that. It confuses me. It messes with my head. Well yea so does the depression, sure. Im trying not to let it take over, which isnt easy at all. Usually, when I think again, I remember we are both busy grown ups, and that she isnt used to text the way I do. And then I try to relax.

But I admit, though Im fine, that is the hard part. The one that really sucks. Breathe. Wait, see.

Im enjoying this, too.

Saturday she invited me over to watch the Eurovision Song Contest Final with her n some friends. Puh. I hesitated. She told me to her its no big deal of introducing or so, but she would enjoy having me around. Yea okay. Im in. Im still… Not sure. But we will see 🙂