First date

So, she backed out.
A day after… That disaster night. I felt she would, though my friends said everything seems to be great so far… I knew shed back out.

We met, ate, and then she told me she doesnt have a crush. Well, not true I think but Im not investing there any more. I like her, but this was just a week. I was sorry, and disappointed. But if she is serious, Id better know early.

Its kinda fine. I talked to her a day later cause Id the feeling I needed to say Im not that kind of girl. I dont want to be tested. She said she needs closeness, kissing and touching to fall in love. Ya, sorry but I was done right there. Killed everything interesting.

I dont want games any more. I dont want to be the affair, back up person, lie. Im worth more.

Im fine being alone. Im good alone.
But having a crush here showed me something.

Im through with my sorrow. I can laugh, and I might be ready to be with somebody.

Its such a weird thought…


Friday, 5 days after she “ended it”, I got a message from somebody else. Yeha, my head is ringing too. -.- What the fuck. Anyway. Shes my age, we talked for a while, them contact ended. We never met. Friday, we texted.

Ive been with friends and its been super boring and annoying just to sit and wait, and she texted with me all the time. Saturday, I helped a friend with moving and had work later. We texted through that, too, and when she went to a party that night, we wrote. We were glued to the cells Sunday, too.

Its nice, sweet and somewhat flirty.
Shes my age, has a kid. Her coming out was like last year.

I have no idea what this is. My head keeps saying shes nice, but this is just a quick fire. My heart is entertained and feels compfy. I dont know.

But I asked her if we want to have ice cream together, and well, now its a date. I asked her today what shes doing Wednesday afternoon. Shes free, so Ill be going there.

I know. Internet is creating illusions. Actually I met my first bf online, its almost 16 years ago now… We came together after knowing each other for a pretty while. Anyway, that ended how it did… He was my first real love. I wasnt his. Took him 7 years to figure out…

So… Im seeing this nice girl, to whom I enjoy talking. There even might be butterflies.
Me, who never really fell in love… Yea. I dont know how this will be.

But writing with her like three days nonstop made me want to see her, see if there is something… I asked her, she said yes instantly and told me she was going to ask me for Saturday.

ESC and other disasters

Last night, I met her friends.

I was nervous as hell when I rang the doorbell. She was talking to another friend, so I waited. When he was gone, she hugged me. She introduced me, and it was a bit weird. I stood around a bit lost, until she told me to sit.

Same procedure as before. The second we are close our bodies touch. We shared drinks and watched the show.

She took me on the balcony for a smoke, and kissed me. I was already relaxed then. And enjoyed the party. It was really nice and funny, with smoke breaks and kisses. The friends sat on the bed and we on the floor. At some point, she kissed me right there. In front of her friends. And my head whispered “mine” to my heart.

We held hands, we kissed, we had fun. She told me she was nervous I wouldnt like it. Actually, her friends were cool. No job questions, no how did you met blah. They were funny.

After the ESC show, we played rockband. At that point, lets say we all were tipsy. The others left, and I told her to kick me out if shes ready to sleep. But she and the friend she had staying over dragged me for a last beer, and we ended up sitting there till 5am…

She was sleepy. I was almost sleeping with my head on the table. She offered me to stay. Surprised me. But I was way too tired to think or react. She led me to the bathroom, borrowed me a toothbrush and gave me a shirt.


Her friend on the couch was sound asleep as soon as she laid down, and I was almost out too. Until she pulled me close. Kissed me. Held me.

After a while, her hands started traveling.

I guess you can imagine where this went. Stupid stupid me. Her. Us. Whatever. Anyway, for sure her friend woke up. Im deeply ashamed. I told her Ill better leave so she can talk to her friend. She was so sorry. So was I.

She kissed me goodbye, and when I arrived at home, I found a text saying her friend is annoyed but over all okay. That she can smell me on her skin.

Thats the last I heard. She didnt answer to my text yet.

I need to talk to her. Making out like this wasnt planned and it was way too early. And geez, what kind of idiot am I, drinking too much and ending up like this. With her friend in the same room. That was really stupid.

Beside, I hadnt even thought about sleeping with her yet. I fell asleep with the thought I hope shes still talking to me today.

Ive problems sorting my head, calming it down. I need to talk to her, but Ill wait for her to call as I already texted her… Until that, my head is a mess.

I wasnt looking for a girlfriend. I wasnt looking for a sexual relationship. But we met, and now theres the wish to be with her. To see her. To talk. Not to talk everything through, but today, my head would need contact. Even if its just for a coffee.

Im stupid sometimes.