Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day.
We will meet at 3.30pm, her train station.

Currently Im relaxed, not nervous. Currently not even hyper excited.
Yea ask me again tomorrow. I know.

I keep wondering if she is real or this is just… a quick fire. I dont know.
And I dont know what I want… Beside seeing her tomorrow.

So Im listening to music, didnt eat. Okay maybe Im not that super cool.
Shes a nice girl. I dont know much of the background nor the story…
All I know is that theres a son. Hes living with her, and… Wild guess,
She was together with a guy. She said a year ago, she felt her feelings
For women awake. She must have fallen for somebody, but it ended
Not well. Thats as much as I can tell from what she let me know.

We will see. There arent many options. We either like each other or
Not, as Ill only see her for 1-2h…

I hope she likes me.

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Who I am

Im just a girl.

Ive had some rough last years, after a youth that made me be very careful, lonesome. My gran used to call me icy queen. Feelings werent on my family’s to do list.

But I made it here, where I am.
I am how I am because things happened.

My friends asked me once if Im gay or straight.
I started seeing girls three years ago. Before that, its been men. My first love was a good guy, we were together for 7 years.

When people ask me if I love men or women My first thought always is… Does that matter? Maybe I just dont fit in a box here. Can I call myself a lesbian, if I lived with a guy? And over all, why does it even matter?

To me, the important part is falling for someone, having someone loving you back. Real love is rare in my world. Because it is rare everywhere plus Im super careful. I protect my life a lot, dont talk much. Ive always been more of a writer.

Call me whatever you want.
Im just a girl. A dreamer and a realist, a hippie.

I loved men. I loved women.

After the last years, where I was so numb I felt more or less nothing, there are butterflies. They surprise me, the irritate me and hell, I dont need them right now. But they are there, and that might be a good thing.

Because it makes me smile.

Movie night

We had set a date for last night…

In the morning I asked what time, and she said 8. Id to work down the street till 7, so I offered 7:30.
I should have just shut up. I mean, it didnt even matter, it was just more compfy for me… But left a bitter taste all day.

Anyway, I dressed nice, went to my jobs and was done at 6. Wasted time in book stores and was on my way there 7:20… I asked if shes anywhere near relaxed or if I shall wait a bit. She asked to wait. That very second we had a thunderstorm with heavy rain that flooded streets.

She said I can come, but shes cleaning and wants to shower. No problem. I sat there, waited and watched. She was nervous. Hehe.

We went to get some pizza n wine, and on the way to the store, I just took her hand.
Its nice. The moment we are close, our bodies touch. We sat on the balcony for dinner, close to each other.

Then, movie night. A cheezy romantic music movie. A good one though.
She asked if she can put her arm around me the second we sat. We saw the movie, curled up together, fingertips wandering over arms, a few stolen kisses.

I feel relaxed. Usually, its this rush, a whirlwind. But she keeps telling me she needs to take it slow and it really relaxed me. Cause I dont feel like shes just playing games. Cause I think she will slowly walk to me. Make us find a balance.

When I walked to her, yesterday, I thought I hope she wants to keep me for a bit. Because I think I want to keep her. I want her in my life.

Shes different. Shes normal and behaving grown up. We click.

She made me shiver last night, when her hand ran over my tattoo, and her fingertips drew along the lines. She made me smile when she asked me how many stars are there, and I said I dont know. I dont. Never counted. Its 18. She counted.

Sometimes, my head acts up. Yea nice, depression thing. Sometimes it tells me stupid things. I dont tell her all of them. I just feel totally insecure for a moment. Because she doesnt write or something. A moment later I know shes just working. Stupid head. But over all, Im relaxed.

I can only talk about my side here. But I want to get to know her. Be with her. Find out, what there might be.

Slowly

Today has been slow. I woke up around nine. And sent her a good morning.
She sent me a sleepy head pic back.

We will see each other tomorrow. Ive a job around the corner before. We plan on watching a movie. Im glad we will be alone. I dont mind going out, but thats the third time we will meet, and … no rushing things.

This is so… Different, weird.

There is kissing, and somehow I feel like I already know her. Yet I dont. I know a few facts. She knows a few. Theres no rush. No burning questions.

Yea come on, most lesbian “relationships” start different. All I met made things moving faster, like we wouldnt have time. You had to know each other after a week, sex latest on date 2, spending the whole week together after that. Rush, rush.

And I admit, I like when my blood starts rushing in excitement. It makes me feel awake, alive. Tough Im relieved with her and I things are like they are.

Yes, Im waiting for a message from her and will grin if it comes in. But I also know she will be super busy cause she has a deadline tomorrow. Im not worried. Actually, I could even understand if she postpones tomorrow. She must be exhausted from all the long nights.

But she said shes positive she wants to see me, so I wont start a discussion… She said she cant be out all night though. Fine, cause Ill have the hell of a thursday myself.

It might be normal, but the last two women thought me different.

But this girl, she doesnt play games. She makes me feel good. Relaxed. Wanted. Over all she doesnt drive me nuts.

This will lead somewhere or not. We will see.
Without rushing through it.

(I cant wait for tomorrow though!!)