Who I am

Im just a girl.

Ive had some rough last years, after a youth that made me be very careful, lonesome. My gran used to call me icy queen. Feelings werent on my family’s to do list.

But I made it here, where I am.
I am how I am because things happened.

My friends asked me once if Im gay or straight.
I started seeing girls three years ago. Before that, its been men. My first love was a good guy, we were together for 7 years.

When people ask me if I love men or women My first thought always is… Does that matter? Maybe I just dont fit in a box here. Can I call myself a lesbian, if I lived with a guy? And over all, why does it even matter?

To me, the important part is falling for someone, having someone loving you back. Real love is rare in my world. Because it is rare everywhere plus Im super careful. I protect my life a lot, dont talk much. Ive always been more of a writer.

Call me whatever you want.
Im just a girl. A dreamer and a realist, a hippie.

I loved men. I loved women.

After the last years, where I was so numb I felt more or less nothing, there are butterflies. They surprise me, the irritate me and hell, I dont need them right now. But they are there, and that might be a good thing.

Because it makes me smile.


Today has been slow. I woke up around nine. And sent her a good morning.
She sent me a sleepy head pic back.

We will see each other tomorrow. Ive a job around the corner before. We plan on watching a movie. Im glad we will be alone. I dont mind going out, but thats the third time we will meet, and … no rushing things.

This is so… Different, weird.

There is kissing, and somehow I feel like I already know her. Yet I dont. I know a few facts. She knows a few. Theres no rush. No burning questions.

Yea come on, most lesbian “relationships” start different. All I met made things moving faster, like we wouldnt have time. You had to know each other after a week, sex latest on date 2, spending the whole week together after that. Rush, rush.

And I admit, I like when my blood starts rushing in excitement. It makes me feel awake, alive. Tough Im relieved with her and I things are like they are.

Yes, Im waiting for a message from her and will grin if it comes in. But I also know she will be super busy cause she has a deadline tomorrow. Im not worried. Actually, I could even understand if she postpones tomorrow. She must be exhausted from all the long nights.

But she said shes positive she wants to see me, so I wont start a discussion… She said she cant be out all night though. Fine, cause Ill have the hell of a thursday myself.

It might be normal, but the last two women thought me different.

But this girl, she doesnt play games. She makes me feel good. Relaxed. Wanted. Over all she doesnt drive me nuts.

This will lead somewhere or not. We will see.
Without rushing through it.

(I cant wait for tomorrow though!!)

Blind date

After writing for two weeks – and one of those, she was on a holiday trip…, we met yesterday. For the first time. We set the time a few days ago, but never set the place, just to ask each other in the same second yesterday…

I didnt plan on anything. Shes a great woman, smart n interesting. I thought we would go along great. I was there early, and watched the people. She found me, and I wasnt nervous any more the second I looked at her. Chucks, a pretty black dress, a star printed hoodie jacket. We got a coffee and walked through the park.

We just started talking, this and that, here and there, without breaks. We sat at the water for a while until we got too cold. After hitting a bank terminal, we went to a small bar. It was early n empty, we got beer and good places. We just chatted along. About whatever crossed our minds.

To me, thats rare.

When it filled with people, we sat a bit closer, our legs touching, our finger brushing each others a bit. Until we held hands. Until we couldnt look away. She asked me if she can kiss me. God. I dont know how long we sat there, talking, holding hands, kissing. It finally got really crowded, and we left.

We went to a smaller bar and a last beer. She asked if Id be mad if she doesnt take me home. No, I wasnt. Cause there, at 4 am, it felt so right to be with her. Just… To sit and talk. I walked her home, she held my hand. I kissed her goodbye. And when I came home, I still felt her lips on mine…

Ive no idea how that happened. What happened. What will happen. Ive no idea. But this morning, I woke up with a wish.